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1.The first most important part is your PRESENTATION which basically means the DP(display photo) of your orkut/facebook profile.You should`nt have a photo of yours as your display even if your face is to brad pitt what hurman`s face is to hrithik`s. You must have a picture of some cult film personality as your DP.Just make sure that the cult personality you choose is`nt famous among the general audience.You should`nt have a tom hanks or a Steven Spielberg photo but of some cult figure who is`nt very popular among Indian general public.
For example:-Kubrick,Scorcese,Tarantino would perfectly fit the bill.
2.Every person who wants a job must have a Curriculum vitae as it is very important and will tell everything about you.Similarly to be an intelligent movie buff you must have an album(in your orkut/facebook profile) containing pictures of movies that you have seen.This does`nt mean that you can include any tom,dick,harry film like Jurassic park or Pirates of the Caribbean picture in that album..no, a strict NO! Only films that have been critically appreciated by American critics. Don`t be scared, it is ok even if you did`nt like that film.In fact it is ok even if you did`nt see the film.Simply take any top 10 movie list from Google,get the images of their posters and upload them! Make sure you avoid Indian films at all costs,try including films of Korea if possible.
3. If you are a really patriotic person and love India alot than you can include a few Indian films in that album and claim to be their fan. Criteria:-Either the Director`s name must be Anurag Kashyap or Vishal bharadwaj or the film must be a black and white pre-70`s release.
4.Criticism:- Now you are ready to take on the world and whilst you take on, you must maintain a tendency to criticize a particular film every now and than.Choose any film which you wish to but remember one thing if you are criticizing films like Twilight/Transformers/Harry potter feel free to use the most disgusting words as possible cause the more crappy words you use ,the more respect you gain.Once in a while you would have to criticise a decent/quite good film too,don`t use rubbish words in this case..go the politically correct way by constructively criticizing them.
5.Your reviews:- Now that you have become a critic your next step would be to review great films.Not to worry,even if your cinematic knowledge is weak,with our easy formulae you can be a good reviewer. The only Formula is "Adjective + cinematic term". Yup that`s it!All you have to do is take any adjective you like ,for example:-superb,brilliant,amazing,mind blowing etc and add a cinematic term to it like screenplay,cinematography,direction,acting etc.
Now all you have to do is say "awesome cinematography" "superb screenplay" etc and voila people start "liking" your status and start passing comments like "wow thanks,will definitely watch it"
6.This is the most important step cause this step will separate the intelligent buffs from the pseudo intellectuals!
Great Personalities/films you are not allowed to hate:-Godfather,Pulp Fiction,Kurosawa,Francis ford,Tarantino,Nolan,Kubrick,Hitchcock,David Lynch,Scorcese,Fellini,Welles,Citizen Kane etc
Great personalities/films you are allowed to hate:-James cameron,Steven Spielberg,Johnny Depp,Brad Pitt,Cruise and basically anyone who is good but famous among the general audience!
Personalities you must hate:Entire team of Transformers/Twilight/Harry potter
7.Occasionally talk about how you loved surreal films:-
Surreal films are those films which have no head or tail and are very self indulgent in nature.An average viewer cannot last more than ten minutes watching a surreal film and so this is the reason that you have to praise the movie to your friends and recommend them to watch it even though they would most probably be abusing youif they end up watching it.
Example of such films:-Lost highway,Donnie darko,No smoking etc
To review such films make use of phrases like "work of art" ,"hypnotizes you","takes you to a different world" etc
8.Show-off
Every good employee shows off by talking about his skills openly to higher officials so that he might stand a chance to get a promotion. Similarly you have to show people what are all the films you saw.Going to watch GODFATHER? What`s the first thing you should do? Login Twitter and type "#nw godfather". Saw any new film? The first thing you do immediately after finishing the film is login the site where you are active and mention it in your status message or post that movie`s poster in your album and rant on how this film has changed your life(when in reality it has`nt changed shit)
9.Foreign films
Talking about Hollywood is`nt enough,you have to talk about foreign films too.So what do you do? Go to imdb and find out the highly rated Japanese,Korean films...download them and immediately scream to everyone that these films are cult classic and that Indian cinema is not even 1% of these films.
Thats right you watch just one Japanese film and certify that Japanese cinema is greater than Indian cinema.You will receive huge respect by all foolish Indians who have a low self esteem about their country.
10.Be the tour DE force guy:-
Which means that your attitude should be such that you consider yourself as a guy with an I.Q of 200 even though you barely manage to pass in your practical examinations.Use a thesauraus to get complex sounding adjectives and make many "rare film" references in your review,like
"Nolan`s film is surely the most ambitious psychological thriller ever.His baroque imagination makes most director`s efforts look like breach pail sand castles alongside Mad King Ludwig`s Neuschwanstein Castle.Nolan`s film making fuses the Kubrick and Hitchcock style of film making"
[Above words are actually taken from a review]
[poor guy who is weak in English and has a low cinematic knowledge would be forced to Google the words "baroque","Kubrick" , "Hitchcock" and "Mad King Ludwig`s Neuschwanstein Castle" to know what the fuck you are talking about]
Also over-use the word "overrated".Anything you found just "good" but a section of people found it "slightly above good" than scream your lungs out on how over rated that film is.
And that`s it ! Following these ten steps you too can be an intellectual movie buff!
HAPPY REVIEWING!
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This blog post is just my attempt to fusion three subjects 1)self mockery 2)satire and sarcastic view on the rise in "intelligent" movie buffs all over internet forums and a 3)parody on the late night American infomercials that come on Indian TV channels with a really bad dubbing voice.This post is also an attempt to indirectly show the horrors of intellectual movie buffs wasting productive time by watching multiple films everyday and discussing it on the internet when their career line has nothing remotely to do with cinema.
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